As I began working with her, she opened up and revealed that she was scared of being found out.  She felt like a phony because she had a couple of weaknesses that she had successfully worked around for years.

The more we talked, the clearer it became that this very successful woman had never taken the time to look honestly at these perceived weaknesses, and so she never understood them or addressed them.  Instead, she developed a series of effective work-arounds that helped her get by at each level.  Finally, she reached a level where she knew she could not hide them any longer.

So what to do?  I encouraged her to be absolutely honest about what she had been hiding from herself, and it turned out that several of her issues were easily addressed with some focused effort.

However, some of the other “weaknesses” were more likely related to physical issues that she had never understood before.  For these we worked out a plan to go to a specialist to see if there were underlying physiological issues that had gone undiagnosed.  Once she learned about these she was able to work out a treatment plan with her doctor and discovered a completely new way to function.

The message here is that having someone ask us the right questions can point us in new directions with a renewed opportunity to stop working around problems and finally resolve them.

What is this lack of trust all about?  Often it is a belief that being a “self-made man (or woman)” means that I did it myself, without anyone else’s help.  Especially outsiders.

There are some dangers in this belief, not the least of which is that it cuts off valuable information that comes from hearing a different perspective.

Benefits of Outsiders. Outsiders don’t know, can’t know, all of what goes on inside the organization.  But then, we don’t need to because an effective coach is able to:

• look past the technical business issues to find the larger performance issues that may endanger future growth,
• ask probing questions that are designed to challenge current thinking,
• create healthy discomfort; because without discomfort there is no growth.

Introduce new perspectives. Coaching is designed to introduce new perspectives.  Without new perspectives, organizations organize themselves only around what they know to be true.  They prevent themselves from discovering more effective solutions to their problems.

Developing trust with an outsider can be hard. But it is well worth the risk.  Who knows, it might mark the beginning of a valuable new friendship.

During the first 20 minutes I spent with this gentleman I realized what his co-workers experienced every day.  They did not know how to slow him down or how to get him to listen to their suggestions or solutions.  He already had them, so why should he listen to anyone else.

Listen first. I learned years ago from one of my mentors that the real work with extreme personalities is twofold:

1.  Listen long enough to let them know that you value what they have to say.

2.  Once you have heard them, have the courage to point out the short-term effectiveness of this behavior, but how ineffective it is in the long term.  What they gain in short term solutions actually inhibits the growth of their team.

Benevolent Intent. At AFPD we believe in the concept of benevolent intent– most people in most situations are trying to do the best they can.  Extreme personalities want to get problems solved and they want to demonstrate their worth to their teams, to their bosses, to their companies.

When extreme personalities see that their method of communication is self-defeating, it becomes much easier to help them move to a middle ground that works better for everyone.

Here is what a coach can do for you

A good coach listens. Fully. Really hearing. And while they are listening, they are connecting the dots – looking for nuances and fine points that will help to move you toward your goal.

A good coach questions. “What does that really mean?” “How did your boss react to that?” “What is the logical conclusion of your theory?” Probing and challenging your viewpoint and perspective.

A good coach provides new information. “Have you thought about….?” “What if you tried…?”

“Sometimes it helps to…”

A good coach holds you accountable. “Were you able to…?” Did you have that difficult conversation?” “What is your progress on…?”

A good coach gives you the gift of the truth – 100% of the time. Whether it feels positive or not.

A good coach is interested in your development and success and is focused 100% on you.